at times i'm not to sure how
one finds the other
amongst winds
and rains
and sunny days
i see
but i'm not too sure how
these
connections are connected

sometimes i feel like this

MERRY CHRISTMAS EVERYBODY

AND HAVE A

HAPPY NEW YEAR

also sometimes i would love to only give a damn about myself.

and not try to write a book

about the cares of the world


ugly?

i know.

i think i could be dying from some sort of parasite.

and it worries me.

rhuematoid

tonight

those aches

have a ripple affect

and

my speech

is haltered.

tonight

those aches

seem to reach

beneath my ribs

to the place

that life

keeps giving.

The Human Experience

we watched The Human Experience last night as a whanau. it was good. it was stirring. and i found myself thinking. i did something not too different.

but watching

seems so different.

how about maybe

i think that

tears are really

just your heart

trying to escape

out your eyes

i fell like i have worked hard today

finally its the end of the day and i can stop

i would like to reward myself with a cold beer

but then i realize.

this work doesnt pay.






well i hope i dont sound too ungrateful
....

father

i stumbled across this on facebook this morning. its a wee gem. my pa is the one in the middle.

he makes me proud

extreme note passing

There is absolutely no point in sitting down to write a book unless you feel that you must write that book, or else go mad, or die -Robertson Davies

today i think i would rather go to Europe, or New York, or even just a movie theater. Or even just somewhere where i dont have to face this Publication, these...issues. this pulling apart.

it goes even further. i dont want to have to face setting down my ideas. coming to a conclusion. coming to a middle ground. i dont want to have to think think think

but alas i must

get over myself.

today is a blue day

all things

are blue blue blue blue blue

"you know"

"no"

"when your super skinny friend wears your top, its just makes you feel shit"

"oh. no"

"oh thats right. you are skinny too"

some people i know

are hippies

some people i know

are rockstars

some people i know

are queens of drama

some people i know

are forgiving

and if i were i pineapple

i would cut myself into pieces

and give them all

my best parts

sometimes i like laying in the bed of a truck
and watching
the sky
go
go
go
trees
lines
lights
clouds

and the rest will follow

when i can be bothered ending

Edward Estlin Cummings

Humanity i love you
because you would rather black the boots of
success than enquire whose soul dangles from his
watch-chain which would be embarrassing for both

parties and because you
unflinchingly applaud all
songs containing the words country home and
mother when sung at the old howard

Humanity i love you because
when you're hard up you pawn your
intelligence to buy a drink and when
you're flush pride keeps

you from the pawn shops and
because you are continually committing
nuisances but more
especially in your own house

Humanity i love you because you
are perpetually putting the secret of
life in your pants and forgetting
it's there and sitting down

on it
and because you are
forever making poems

in the lap
of death Humanity

i hate you

A white guy in cornrows is basically saying to you, 'Hey, I don't know the difference between right and wrong.'

m.m

kid i think you got it bad

its official. i have become utterly

overwhelming

humiliatingly

socially retarded.



i came home from the 'Halloween party' got on skype with parents. almost weeped. who knows why. maybe it was myself grieving the fact that my friend making days are over.

or that my body is shutting down

which ever

remember

i before e except after c!

supposed to be

doing research etc for school

what AM i doing?

thinking about how i left my camera in A n L's room and how i want to get it

but this would require extra clothes.

i cant be bothered.

last night i had of those almost dreams
as i was about to enter the land of slumber

i was pondering..to buy a bike, to not buy a bike..and so on and so forth.

then i envisioned myself biking up the hill into the uni

and slowing the road became so steep. vertical in fact

then it started twisting backward, like the most horrifying roller coaster
about then i opened my eyes

i wonder if gravity gave way to me in my almost dream

or if i rode it out like a wave

i dont think i shall ever know.

also my stomach for the last few days has been really sore. kinda like acid is burning up my intestines..

do i have a stomach ulcer?

all pulled up or all pulled down im not sure

lets put this thing to use.

i have

been reading random blogs. oddly inspired to write. though many blogs i find are complaining. or depressing. the writing is still good.
thus

i want to write

i put film in one of my lomos. i am excited to use it.

i bought undies in america. sizing is different here.

now i have undies that reach up past my belly button

i dont care. they are still comfy.

i will put mere things on here i think

what kills us now? cancer or a car smashing into you.

they are fighting it. as much as they can, smoking. good on them aye. but what about the thousands of drunk kids, many of under aged, that are...dieing?



why?

america collapsing like a house of cards? or something like that

so here in india with our brand new teacher of the week Vashil. who is kind of brilliant.
and made my brain ache a lot with a few if not all of his teachings, provoking brand new ideas. or expanding my views on certain things and the way this world is going.

one interesting thing which had always been a topic and the forefront: Religion.

One of the thing Vashil mentioned, was that some of the reason the western world developed more than other parts of the world- that had just as good resources, was because of values within the religion.

now of course i could be stating this wrong. and im sorry if i am.

is some of the reason things seem to be collapsing- because we are trying so hard NOT to offend any religion that we do away with them all. we forget what we stood for. and even why we stood for it. and let anything and everything take control.

its kinda dangerous dont you think?

what are our countries leaning on now for guidance and why?






another disclaimer : its hot. i cant think. internet costs. this may suck.

i know this isnt an essay

but genocide

it provokes me to think

what are we capable of?

they werent crazy

and is it about stronger action

shall we just blow em up to stop em

sometimes it looks like these men, these people that commit these

HORRIBLE things,

have a piece of them searching

to make something better

but that their 'better'

gets horribly horribly distorted

and some of them are crooks

power hungry

but we were all made in his image

sea lion

christians...or whatever title you want to give yourself

we have to realize, we live in the world.

i mean its something said over again probably

maybe

sometimes (me included) i think we choose to be naive to the things in this world. we would rather be starry eyed followers of Jesus then people who know whats going on and get involved.
there are things running/ruining our world. and unless we get invloved in decisions being made (goverment) bla bla bla

the thing is we need to not do things half ass. in a lot of things..God gave us gifts...there are things that probably come naturally and things that may not so much but may be a passion. we need to practise those things. refine those things. become good at those things. and use them to further the kingdom

no sitting of our bums wondering why the world is going to hell.

its going to hell when we stand silent. and i guess i do that a lot. so now im learning.

get over your insecurities and do it. try it. be it. live it. learn it.

the end

disclaimer: heaps of what i said may be crap or not make sense. search through the crap and find some truth would ya?

back to define you

perhaps the need for definition is because without we have chaos

without our definitions-whether they be right or wrong

we will continuously be asking questions, but never seeking
answers.

so we will live in idealism of maybes, could bes, and action will be lost

??

??


??


??

not to shoot at the people

sometimes i wonder
if the sun is really hung in the sky

with his rope that is too strong
to burn break or loose,

sometimes i wonder if he didnt
just poke holes in the black blanket
of night

and shine a torch right through

sometimes i wonder
if he isnt up there
with a huge pipe
smoking out clouds
that litter the sky

and that science is just a complex
way to describe
something
he does simply
comically
wonderfully.

i bear wittness

so, we have to write this blog this week.
I tried to think about everything or anything I could write about.

the main question posed to each one of us was how do you define art?

we all tried to approach this in different ways

some say art is defined by what is aesthetically pleasing, beautiful, and good.

some say art is anything.

I have explored different areas of this. what is art how can we define art.

and at the moment, my thoughts are that you can not define it as one thing. or say what it is not. there is not a true definition for art. I suppose the word art is already an attempt to define something created.

I would say do a way with the word. but then as humans, this would cause chaos. as it is, almost as if we need to define things so we can understand and control things.

maybe a broad statement.

however

looking at it from a Christian point of view


God is the creator. we are created in his image. therefore, we are creative.

however, to each individual that looks different. from each background, it will come out different.

for me it is not something that is necessarily beautiful, because I think creativity comes from an overflow of what is within us. its usually done through experiences in life, or thoughts. it is a medium to express ones self. how that looks could vary.

it could be showing pain, tragedy in someone’s life. that may not be beautiful. but how can you say its not art. if art is an expression. if its part of who we are. pain is part of who we are also.

is art good or evil?

can it not be used for both?

again coming from a Christian point of view, I would want art…creation…to be used to glorify God. to be used for good not for evil. However, just because I want that does not mean it is. and it doesn’t mean I can say that it is not art.

we for some reason have this thing built within us saying that the word ‘art’ means good. but it doesn’t. ‘art’ is not from the bible. God never said he used art to create the world. he simply created the world.

when you look at different cultures, you see things that are held up as culturally accepted art. however, the Indonesian dance and costumes may not be beautiful or aesthetically pleasing, in comparison to ballet from a European stance, however both are still artistic.

so here is the thing.

why are definitions so important to us?

yea i did

here is the thing that i find atrocious. how we expect life
to fall into our hands. our generation has fallen into complacency

we don't understand that without action our ideas are like rusted metal
corrosive, detrimental, and lost in a big fog of could be's.

we write explicit lists of the things we want to be. we cajole people to bend and break. we are anal about the way we want things done.

but we never do it ourselves.

we are ambiguous with ambitions because our generation has so many options. we are like fleeting foxes running from the next big, epic podium of linear obstacles that we can jump, climb, hop over and on.

we are, they are, she is, he is, factious

our generation is in a perpetual state of joshing around, days go by years go by, no decisions made.

more concern is of the new 'man' make up. its no longer an extreme embarrassment to act like a complete fop.

an august woman is few and far between. now it is more fashionable to let your curves and tight clothing get you places.

this is.
what we.
have.
come to.

i look around everything seems slightly surreal. there is darkness masquerading as light, and indecision masquerading as 'keeping our options open'.

we have so much at our fingertips

so pick it up.

history repeating and bla bla bla

we say we need to know our history. its important to know where we came from. what things from the past affect the way we are today. that we can learn from the mistakes of the past. but do we.

mistakes like… genocide. war. recession?



The holocaust happened
we said never again

then

Rwanda happened
we said never again

then Darfur
happened

china
Russia

we got greed in our bones and running through our blood.

we took more than we can make

we spent more then we could earn

the list goes on, so do we learn? do things change?

or do we indeed repeat.

why don’t things change?

why does it take so long for us to recognize that we are repeating history.

why are we so dense we don’t see that when people are killing masses of innocent people. WE NEED TO HELP.

do we look at the world as a place we share. that we live as neighbors. or do we live as individualistic countries. that should survive on our own.

but…
if we do decide to interfere in other countries do we choose violence? what does that look like? as Christians what does that look like? how DO we intervene. how do we intervene if we are part of the reason the disaster happens?

watching v for vendetta it explodes with “world view”

“would you really want to know” V says when asked for the truth.

I think its true would we really want to know? because when we know truth about why horrific things happen, usually we see a finger pointing right back at us.
“if your looking for the guilty, you need to only look into the mirror”

history. has lessons to teach us.

about ignorance.

about looking inwardly to see, how are we part of the problem.

challenge ourselves to think. what would we really do in those situations.

what would we stand for when push comes to shove.

like Evey experiences in V for Vendetta- when V keeps her imprisoned and let her live in a pretend reality . that she was captive. that she was going to die. it tested her. to what she would really do. what she feared most she had to face. and it pushed her to act in extreme conditions. it made her realize, what she used to refuse to face, what she pretended not to see, was the what she truly believed.

so what do we believe. how are we going to take action. what are the good things from history. and what are the things that will burn into our memories- if only to remind us- what we are truly capable of.

bad and good.

heres another one for you

where does evil come from?

was their evil existing in heaven? otherwise how did satan fall.

is evil a choice?

did God create evil?

but he couldnt have because that doesnt come from him?

so where did it come from if he always existed and is creator of all things?

my world. our world. Gods world. world world.

Let me unravel my scrabbled brain. Or at least a part.
This past week so many things splattered through my brain. However, one thing I realized is. I know nothing of worth except what God chooses to reveal to me. Because knowledge is empty without wisdom, wisdom is only from God.

For a while now it has been stirred within me that the way "Christians" see missions is some what skewed.

i feel like often we say "oh we are bringing God to the needy, to the lost, to the hungry" etc.
but God is the creator.
we are the created.

im pretty sure we are not bringing him anywhere he is already there.

Moreover, in the same breath, what is becoming increasingly apparent to me, is that if God is truth, and he is everywhere, then our job is not to "bring" him anywhere but to point him out amongst the congestion of sin and deceit in the world.

i remember sitting on a balcony in Egypt listening to the call of prayer ring out over the land and thinking of the devotion that the Muslims have to pray 5 times a day. What if we as Christians lived our prayer life out like that. What would that look like?

sure, they don’t have everything right. However, in reality do we as Christians?

but it made me think how much we can learn from other religions. How each of us posses some of the truth of God. And how we can see glimpses of his character and truth in others- even if they do bow down to other gods.


Coming on the same level, learning the cultures of the people we are approaching, is so important. The bible is full of prophets who were examples of this. Paul, in Acts uses the ‘unknown god’ to speak of the one true God is a perfect example.

Sometimes I think the most powerful thing we can do. Is sit. Shut our mouths. Open our eyes. Listen. Learn.

To seek the truth, and point it out.

To see God.
Where we thought we never would.